When it comes to cosmetic enhancement, the age old adage “Pain equals beauty” is increasingly unreliable. Tanning can be achieved through a bottle rather than applying a layer of grease and frying your skin up like a slice of bacon, rosy pink cheeks can be swept on with the flick of a brush instead of pinched on with two capillary-crushing fingers, and appetite can be appeased by swallowing a tiny pill rather than a baby tapeworm.



Fashion, however, has not taken the same route. We might be done with corsets, but we now have stilettos that exert a similar force on the toes. Men no longer require the help of two buddies to pull on their jodphurs, but some still insist on wearing jeans that come dangerously close to the necessitating the same technique. We’re all aware of the painful realities that come with being a fashion victim, but the truth of it really hit home when I came across a rant by Simon Doonan in the NY Times. Doonan takes a rule from the field of physics rather than beauty, namely Newton’s third law of motion: Commonly thought to fall into the category of unequivocal fact. Applying this to the field of fashion, however, Doonan reasons that Newton’s law requires a 2010 makeover. That now, “To every action, there is invariably a totally gnarly and hideously unstylish avalanche of reactions”.



While I’m not generally one to favor toe-crushing stilettos over a pair of worn-in lace up boots, this reasoning also finds a way to creep up in more unexpected ways. Last night I decided in the heat of the moment (literally, it was 100 degrees outside) to pull on a pair of stockings to mask my mosquito bite infested legs. However, once I had reached the point of no return half way between my apartment and my destination my legs were sweating so profusely that I was forced to remove the stockings and tramp around with mosquito bites, a pair of smelly tights stuffed into my handbag, and bare feet stuffed into my leather boots.

The extent of the reaction can also be a helpful gauge for ascertaining whether a trend is worth adopting. Because of the potentially unforeseen consequences of making a fashion-related decision, this is normally a matter of trial and error. Last week I wondered why, in the two months that I have owned my pair of suede platform sandals, I had not yet thought to attempt wearing them with a pair of socks. A simple, effective, instant outfit update. Unfortunately, a slight increase in foot temperature was not the only result: More serious was the fact that wearing socks with a pair of platforms causes a slipperyness that makes walking in platforms significantly more difficult than it already is.

One place where reaction is particularly unforgiving is the beach. Outside of fashion it’s simple: When a fish swims, the force it exerts by moving it’s fins against the water is countered by the equal and opposite force of the water propelling the fish forward. But when wearing a super trendy one-piece bathing suit with geometrically shaped cut outs, the action is countered by a ridiculous set of tan lines that necessitate wearing the same bathing suit for the full extent of summer to avoid looking like an idiot.

And sorry, the action of donning carefully selected accessories to spice up a simple outfit bypasses neither the laws of physics nor the laws of fashion. Ray Ban Clubmasters might be a slightly more refreshing alternative to the classic Wayfarer but, contrary to popular belief, they do not suit all face shapes. Multi-finger rings manage to make you look both edgy and sophisticated at the same time, but their intrinsic finger-binding qualities make it very difficult to perform medial tasks such as juicing an orange, grabbing an item from the top shelf at the grocery store or smoking a cigarette. Smart dude, that Newton, but it’s not only wardrobes that require an update every once in a while.