I survived Maria... 1977-2011 - TMZ.com photo

When it became public knowledge that Arnold, the planet's ultimate body, was engaged to wed continent-sized superpower America's most prominent family emblematic of its body politic at its most accomplished, invitation went forth from the Tonight Show.

Sitting across from the most powerful person in live television in the proverbial hot seat the Austrian-American guest was basking in the limelight as though it were Johnny in that squirmy position.

"Tell me, Arnold, how does it feel to be marrying a Kennedy?!"

"Ask Maria how it feels to be marrying a Schwarzenegger!" Arnold had yet another physical feat to his lone credit-----speaking whilst grinning a Cheshire cat's grin, the most captivating creature in a place called Wonderland.

The ancient tale attributed variously to Aesop and others comes to mind: the turtle agrees to ferry the honest snake across the water, whereupon the snake consumes the turtle, excusing himself by reminding the turtle of his full-disclosure at the outset of their journey.

So, for all those cool hand Lukes (i.e., tabloid reporters) out there, what we've got here is a failure to communicate, and that failure ain't the snake's. You are decades late in disclosing Arnold's admitted nature.

Let's look at the facts:

1. Maria Shriver was and is a woman possessed by birthright of great pulchritude, schooled in the ways and means of media where she had a fine career, prepared via her famous, ambitious parents for the spotlight;
2. Arnold was and is a self-aggrandizing climber, a virtual Narcissus whose ego was and is large enough to be reflected by any sizable body of water;
3. the woman with whom he spawned a bastard child was and is so unlike Maria in every way as to literally expose Arnold's indifference to obvious human charms and other organic human and humane attractive attributes.

Again, Arnold has snaked his way to where he sought to be, first via the silver screen where his most compelling thespian role was that of Terminator----bereft of weaknesses like a limbic system, and relentless in his pursuit of his aim, never stopping, just ask Michael Biehn, not exactly chopped liver to us, but just so to this Mr. T.

I remember meeting him at the premiere of 'Pumping Iron'; as I stood next to him, I recall thinking 'he's not that tall', whilst feeling at the same moment grateful that he had permitted me to breathe HIS air. Really.

“Ask Maria how it feels to be marrying a Schwarzenegger!

That goal accomplished, the arc of his relentless ambition was such that his C.P.U., sorry, intellect then needed gratification via politics; as a good Republican (for no other reason than financial) he exclusively filled his prescriptions for success via Dr. Kissinger, who dispensed that ultimate aphrodisiac for Arnold's ilk.

And, so, here we are, treated to more apparent tastelessness by the full-disclosure viper these scandal sheets now love to hate. Fine, ridicule his nerve in wearing a t-shirt, dripping with sweat, revealing possible man boobs, but understand him, please. I say chill; Maria's family name ain't Connor and even the Terminator has shown he can change, admittedly resulting in his self-destruction. Hey, complain to Cyberdyne, even Arnold doesn't claim to have created himself, yet.

Join with me, then, in summoning that filmic version of Arnold which lived up to Ringo Starr's litmus test----'all you gotta do is act naturally.' Terminator, pick up the phone, dial Maria and utter these haunting words, this time with feeling: 'I'll be back.'

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