Scrooge Was Republican - AND Magazine
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Scrooge Was Republican
What's wrong with hoarding money? That's the American way
Ebenezer Scrooge
Ebenezer Scrooge
Ebenezer Scrooge is the principal character in Charles Dickens's 1843 novel, A Christmas Carol. At the beginning of the novel, Scrooge is a cold-hearted, tight-fisted and greedy man, who despises Christmas and all things which give people happiness. | Photo: Charles Dickens
ALSO | Christmas | Charles Dickens
Ebenezer Scrooge was just ahead of his time.

He gets a bad rap in some English fairy tale for being a stingy bastard who has money and doesn't want to part with it. That's just the American way. What's wrong with that?

He walks along the snowy street on his way home alone from his work minding his own business and two busy-bodies who run a poor-house for a bunch of wretches and 99 percent lazy loafers hit Scrooge up for money.

"How much can we put you down for?" they ask.

"Nothing," Scrooge says.

That's supposed to make us feel that Scrooge is a bad guy. Aren't we advised to save money? Aren't we supposed to contribute to 401K plans and sock it away for a rainy (or snowy) day? If the loser liberal bastards at the poor-house want money, let them go out themselves and earn it.

The lazy bastards.

What is Scrooge's crime? He earns money he doesn't want to fritter away in a socialistic give-away.

Oh, Scrooge is supposed to feel guilty because he has money he earned and doesn't want to give it away to a bunch of liberal leeches. No matter how much he would give them, they'll hit him up for more next year, and the next. There will always be more losers who need free money.

And what is Christmas, anyway? It's a holiday commemorating the birth of an obscure preacher in Galilee that didn't even take place on December 25, because we don't even know what year Jesus was born, and in fact no hard evidence outside the Bible exists that he ever lived at all because no contemporary historians at the time like Josephus even mention a word about him.

We celebrate his birth by an obligatory expenditure of at least $1,000 in cash every year because the baby Jesus according to the story was given gifts by three wise men. So, we ripped off that part of the story by giving each other gifts as though we're all like the baby Jesus.

We're trying to imitate Jesus.

Christmas, the way we celebrate it, is a recent invention from England of the Victorian Age. In 1890, for the first time, parents in England started to cherish their children. For the first time children would not be beasts of burden or ignored as in the Middle Ages. So the idea took hold, let's give junior a gift like baby Jesus got.

But at first, only junior got a gift, not Uncle Fred or Aunt Flo. Now, everybody has to have a gift. Let's have everybody get a gift.

It's Socialism.

We celebrate the obscure preacher Jesus by taking a pagan fable from Germany about a fat man in a red suit who arrives on your roof in a sleigh pulled by reindeer and who squeezes down your chimney. Can you see the logical connection, the relationship, between English parents in 1890 in England spoiling their kid, a fictional German fat man from the pagan past, and a first century preacher in the Middle East during the reign of the Roman Emperor Tiberius? <

Bob Cratchit, he's lucky Scrooge made a job for him.
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Doesn't it all make sense?

Every year, we all have to spend at least $1,000 on this ritual. And if we don't have the money, we borrow it, we go into debt, in a society that tells us that debt is bad, but that really wants us to go into debt because our economy depends on it, the banks make interest off us, and we need it to fund the wars we pursue against tiny impoverished Third World countries in the Middle East, the home of the baby Jesus.

And Scrooge wants no part of this. He says "humbug!" And for this he's branded a bad guy.

Scrooge is a Republican. He wouldn't support immigration. Let the bastards go back where they came from. He wouldn't support allowing gays in the military. Why do the sissies want to join the army anyway?

Scrooge has money. How he spends money is his business. Bill Gates has money. Do busy-bodies stop Bill Gates on the street and hit him up for money and then frown when he says "F (expletive deleted) off?" Do we think Bill Gates is a bad guy because he wants to keep his money and not give it away to a bunch of losers?

Bob Cratchit, he's lucky Scrooge made a job for him. But does Scrooge get any credit for job creation? Nooooo! He's a bad guy because he won't give Cratchit a raise in salary and an extra day off at Christmas and another piece of coal for the furnace. Scrooge is an environmentalist. He doesn't want to burn fossil fuels.

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Three ghosts come in the night and tell Scrooge he's a bad guy. They say, ooohhhh, you're a bad guy, even though there are robbers out there and murderers and child molesters and perverts and rapists and drug addicts and thieve and liars, swindlers and predators.

And that's just those in the government.

You're a bad guy because you have money and won't give it to people who didn't earn it.

He should tell the ghost to 'F' off and take your chains with you.

Scrooge shouldn't have to buy a goose for Tiny Tim either. If you want a goose, get a paper route kid!

Scrooge is a good Republican.

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"Scrooge Was Republican | What's wrong with hoarding money? That's the American way"
Editorial ID #12674, 876 words, first released December 20, 2012, 8:00 am
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aKihld Seahl, ecrritod of eth aidem cefoif fro the ersnWet-aebkdc inrayS taoilaNn oionitCal.

(Yes, the caption is scrambled a bit to sharpen your mind.)

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